"The US government has a new website, http://www.ready.gov.
It's another attempt at scare mongering in the style of the old
"duck and cover" advice after WWII.
The fun thing is that these pictures are so ambiguous they
could mean anything! Here are a few interpretations."*
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| If you have set yourself
on fire, do not run |
If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism
whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.
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If you spot a terrorist
arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder |
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| If you are sprayed
with an unknown substance, stand and think about a cool
design for a new tattoo. |
Use your flashlight
to lift the walls right off of you! |
The proper way to eliminate smallpox
is to wash with soap, water and at least one(1) armless
hand.
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| Michael Jackson is
a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead,
dead eyes, run the hell away. |
Hurricanes, animal
corpses and your potential new tattoo have a lot in common.
Think about it. |
Be on the lookout for terrorists with
pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands
together manically.
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| If a door is closed,
karate chop it open. |
Try to absorb as much of the radiation
as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes
and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile
|
After exposure to
radiation it is important to consider that you may have
mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head. |
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If you've become a radiation mutant
with a deformed hand, remember to close the window.
No one wants to see that shit.
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If you hear the Backstreet
Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower in the
corner or run like hell. |
If your lungs and
stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until
they stop. |
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| If you are trapped
under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting. |
If you lose a contact
lens during a chemical attack, do not stop to look for
it. |
Do not drive a stations wagon if a
power pole is protruding from the hood.
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A one-inch thick
piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against
radiation. |
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Oh,
and one final point, always remember to carry food with
you during a terrorist attack. At least you'll be able to
enjoy a nice coke and apple before you die.
